Overheard on the Air Traffic Control channel... 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." (124.7 would be the radio frequency for Departure Control).

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

Windy day on a Cruise Ship

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

The Cruise Ship Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat,"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table,"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

A large cruise ship was St. Helena. 

As usual, everyone who wished to come ashore was forced to use a long and flimsy stairway to descend to the small motor launch, far below.

The launch crew saw a passenger in her 70s appear at the top of the steps. The stairway was too narrow for anyone to assist her, so she climbed slowly down and finally made it to the launch safely, to everyone's relief.

As she stepped into the launch, she turned, looked back at the top of the steps and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."